Often, as a manager or leader, we get it wrong. These miss-steps are often frequent when we are new in our role and we are learning about how to be competent and effective at the people skills while trying to remain current in the science. Even as seasoned leaders we are not immune to some face-down moments that leave us exhausted and broken.

So how do we get up after a fall? I recently re-read ‘Rising Strong’ by Brené Brown, a book about ‘getting back up’. I have even taken a 2 day workshop run by ‘Dare to lead’ facilitators. But it is so difficult to remember the key aspects when we are in the middle of our face-down moments.

An important component is to lean in and get curious about our emotions.

Most of us grow up to believe that our emotions are not worthy of our attention. As a scientist we are trained to focus on the data and to create theories that fit disparate observations in our studies, with seemingly little room for feelings. Emotion, to those of us highly trained in the art of the rational, is a distraction at best and at worst, a sign of weakness, incompetency, inability to cope, and a waste of time. We spend our time trying to manage ourselves out of our emotions or discharge the discomfort elsewhere.

But it does not go away just because we do not acknowledge it. My own tendency is to let it fester until I blow my top, and it is only then that the months of resentment, anger, hurt and pain explode. Even thinking about that creates feelings of shame and self disapproval. So in the past, my efforts have gone into hiding it better, more rigorously, trying harder.

Leaning into our emotions is hard work. We are rarely trained to do so, have few role models, and have little nuanced language to describe them. But this is where we need to go.

According to Brené Brown:
Give yourself permission to feel your emotion
Get curious about it
Pay attention to it
Practice all the above, over and over

In that moment following our falls we are desperately trying to make sense of what happened. And rather than feel and acknowledge the painful emotion we immediately go into our stories. Blaming ourselves for not being good enough, blaming others for not playing fair and the fear of the consequences. A very public fall may result in deep and intense feelings of shame. Our systems are in threat, evoking the flight or fight response. I prefer to hide, it takes a lot for me to come out fighting.

Getting curious about our emotions gives us time to get creative and out from under that rock of shame. Being aware that one screw up does not make us a failure and that self-loathing will not fix it.
If we share our stories with someone we trust, and who can listen with empathy, we can get clear on the emotions, the triggers and the shame. We can find a new story that aligns with our values and finally learn to rise up and try again.